Hi, I am Renee Hoadley, writer and creator of Cosmic-Core.org.
Currently, I’m an artist, writer and yoga instructor, although I’ve been many other things at many other times.
From a child into my twenties I continually suffered from deep bouts of depression while battling intense feelings of anger, bitterness and hopelessness. I suffered from a common form of schizophrenia, one caused by a deep inner knowing that equality, love, unity and compassion ruled the universe and were the most powerful and important aspects of reality, yet seeing and hearing everywhere around me the exact opposite. I was deeply disturbed by the suffering in the world, by the racism, hypocrisy, sexism, injustice, greed, poverty, war, and environmental and cultural destruction that seemed to be everywhere, and growing stronger by the day. I wanted to, but felt powerless to help. I know I am not alone in these feelings.
The inner world of my thoughts, dreams, intuitions and emotions told me each person is equally important; each life is equally and powerfully meaningful; that life itself is part of a much bigger reality; that humanity, at its core, is a cooperative venture and not a competitive one; and that if we have courage to seek the truth and can learn to live in peace, unity and equality, respecting other’s differences and individuality, then there can be abundance enough for all humanity to live in freedom, peace and joy.
The outer world – the world of school teachers, preachers, scientists, news anchors, newspapers, television, movies, politicians, and even most family and friends – told me quite another story. They told me my inner knowing was wrong – that life was meaningless, that I was powerless, that humanity is either – according to religion, sinful by its nature – or according to science, murderous and greedy by its nature; that we are ruled by competition; that we live in a world of scarcity – therefore we constantly need to battle one another for resources, money, power and prestige – and we should always be afraid of someone coming to take our piece of the pie away.
These conflicting voices created a split in my mind, one which led to much suffering, and one that took many years to heal. This split was exacerbated by the narrow-minded religious community I grew up in – a small town in northern Alabama in which vicious hypocrisy made a mockery of a well-meaning Christian religion; and the haughty scientific community in which I turned to look for refuge.
Religion told me I was bad and was certainly going to hell for all eternity because I was a free thinker. It told me I must follow mindless rituals and believe in harmful divisive dogma in order to get into ‘heaven’.
Science told me life was meaningless and when we die, we die, so the most important thing in life is to seek money, material possessions and worldly power.
Neither science nor religion had any heart. They were both full of destructive dogmas and were both clearly missing the big picture. There was another way – a way of unification and transformation that not one single human shared with me. I struggled for many years to find it myself.
While I was growing up with this conflicted mindset, I had a best friend for many years – a guy I loved very deeply; and he suffered from the same condition I did. Eventually he embarked upon one path of healing and I on another.
He chose the route of doctors, psychiatrists, mental institutions, electroshock therapy, massive doses of pharmaceuticals – anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs, anti-psychotic drugs, sleep aids, and so on and so on. His malady now had a name – Major persistent depressive disorder and severe bi-polar disorder. They were sure, once it was labeled, they could cure it.
On the first Sunday of the Year 2009 he took his own life. He was 29 years old.
This tragedy is not rare. We are all aware of the despair, the confusion, the fear, that affects so many in our society. According to the ADAA (Anxiety & Depression Association of America):
- 40 million adults in the U.S. over the age of 18 suffer from anxiety disorders
- 15 million American adults suffer from major depressive disorder
- 6 million adults suffer from panic disorder
- 15 million from social anxiety disorder
- 19 million from specific phobias
- 2 million with OCD
- 7 million with PTSD
- 3 million with persistent depressive disorder
- and nearly 50,000 Americans die by suicide each year
That’s a huge amount of human beings and these include friends and family members – those we hold so dear.
These are maladies of the mind – the consciousness – and of the spirit. Yet not only can they be treated, but they can be transformed.
As humans we need to stop living in pain and fear. We need to stop being treated like mindless sheep and acting like mindless sheep. We need to stop believing we don’t matter; that we’re inherently evil, sinful, or greedy by nature; that we have no power over our own lives and no power over the general world situation.
Humanity is not a cancer upon the Earth. We are more intelligent and loving that we give ourselves credit for.
As humans it’s time to accept responsibility for our own consciousness, our own problems, our own issues, our own health and lives. It’s time to stop accepting mediocrity and lies. It’s time to demand the truth – the truth of religion and science. It’s time to heal. It’s time to transform.
I wanted the truth. I was determined to find it. Instead of looking to doctors, and horrific electroshock treatments, and vastly wealthy pharmaceutical companies, I chose to look within. I chose to confront my Self for the first time. And when I did, it was terrible. It was extremely painful. But I stuck with it. I faced the chaos.
My mind was riddled with confusion, doubts, regrets, guilt, despair, and bitterness. It was boiling over with anger and hatred, and underneath all that anger was a deep, intense channel of fear that I had never confronted before.
It was a fear of my own worthlessness, my own powerlessness, my own fear that maybe I was evil at heart; maybe all humanity was evil; maybe god is dead; maybe life is meaningless; maybe I don’t matter; maybe no one does. Maybe we are all just victims to a cold, distant, universe awash in random chaos, stranded on this planet, alone and unloved.
That is where my healing process began. It took me over seven years to get to a point that I could understand myself, that I could forgive myself, that I could forgive others, and that I could recover my power and learn how to start using it to create an enjoyable life and help create a better world – one in which corruption and hypocrisy no longer ruled the earth – one in which peace and harmony prevailed.
“Allowing ourselves to be immersed in destructive emotions – fear, anxiety, anger, strife, jealousy, the dog-eat-dog mentality – dulls our ‘shining coat of awareness’. This shining coat is the robe of the soul.” William Henry
Out of all that comes “Cosmic Core”. It’s an ongoing thesis project containing ten years of research, study, and artistic creation (began in 2008). It’s an alternative curriculum of big ideas and cosmic understanding. Humanity doesn’t have to acquiesce to and obey the tired old “common” education shoved down our throats – the tired old perspective of scarcity, chaos, confusion, victim-hood and powerlessness – the tired old common education being preached by scientists and religious leaders alike.
Finding Sacred Geometry and learning what it truly represented literally saved my life. I will have more follow up stories explaining just how I stumbled across Sacred Geometry (no one told me about it or showed it to me – I “accidentally” found it myself.) I will also share a story about an incredibly transformative yet very harrowing experience I had in 2010 in the remote northern valleys of the Big Island of Hawaii and how that led, three days later, to my first Sacred Geometry painting, The Monad, to come blazing into my mind, launching me into the life of an artist.
The journey has been challenging but well worth the effort. Others have gone through similar transformations and some are just beginning the process now. Others yet will follow. Everyone needs support and encouragement on their path.
You are all wonderful and I wish you all the best on your journey of transformation.
Therefore, this project is dedicated to all those souls who, finding no meaningful answers, gave in to their despair and ended their lives – and to all those souls still searching, still hanging in there, asking, perhaps, what’s the point of all this madness? Why am I here?